The Trials and Tribulations of the Married Indian Male

The Average Married Indian Male, the common man that you come across in your  everyday life. 

There are a lot of posts in blogs highlighting the state of the Modern Married Indian Woman who who has tied the matrimonial knot and challenges that she is facing, however after scouting Google for long time, i am yet to come across a write-up mentioning the  state of problems faced by an average married Indian male.

India is a country where the society still remains to be Patriarchal till date. The male son is the valued member of the society, he is given a lot of attention and expectations are put upon him right from his birth.

If the Indian Woman has been told to make compromises right from her childhood, then the Indian Male is no better. He is indoctrinated with the fact that he will be the beast of burden and will take up all the responsibilities of the family. He will be the walking stick of his old parents in their Old age, the care taker of his sisters, the provider for his wife and the man who will take the family  name ahead. So much in one life time!!!!!

Examples from the ancient Indian mythology are quoted to remind him of about his roles and responsibilities. Some of them are of Ram , Bharat, Shravan and many others whom i cannot recollect.

And that’s how life goes by, expectations and more expectations, pressure to perform during all the phases of life, child hood and teenage years are deprived of enjoyment and fun and filled with endless studies and tuition classes. The value of the male is decided on his performance in exams, his career, the college that he has joined, his current job and his annual salary.

When he reaches a suitable age, he is expected to settle down , that means,  get married. So, starts the endless search for his would be bride, the bride who fits the expectation of his Parents.

No one asks the guy what he wants, what are his likes and dislikes, the worst part is that no one asks whether he is mentally prepared to get married or take up commitments. Why should he be asked?? After all, it is the elders who are going to decide.

The sad part about the Indian Educational System is that it does not teach anyone how to think independently, no one can decide anything on their own, people just become followers. Major decisions of life are dictated by elders.

Once the marriage ceremony is over, a new life begins, yes initially it is filled with bliss, the honeymoon phase lasts for 2 years and then the troubles begin. House, Car, Furniture and many more expenses. 

Expectations are put on the Married Indian man to meet the same. Poor fellow gets trapped in the Web of Loans and EMI’s. Once taken you can never turn your back on them. The poor man starts living a life of compromise, compromise in each and every aspect of life. He works in an Organization that he does not like, a worthless boss whom he has to report to and the job profile which ensures no future growth for him. But still, he has to continue because he has taken loans and has to pay the EMI’s on time.

Personal Life is a challenge too; the elders on both sides of the family expect that he produce children in 2 years of marriage; the Old folks are desperate to become grandfathers and grandmothers. In the time of Inflation, rising high prices and a miser appraisal/increment system how can one bring a third member in the family and take care of the expenses, but no one wants to empathize with the problems, the society wants to see instant results just like 2 minute maggi noodles.

The problems of the married Indian male does not end by having a child, it just starts, children, nursery, school, college, future and all that crap. 

Some years into marriage and for some reason i still don’t know why but the married couple looses interest in sex. Either the wife denies that to her Husband or the Husband is just not interested in it. Desperation in the Married Indian Male goes high in his Middle Ages. Now you can understand  why are married men caught with their pants down in the office, accused of sexual harassment or having affairs with other office colleagues???

Health!!!!, just forget it, 5 years into marriage and almost all married men have pot bellies, rarely do you come across men who are physically fit. The guy who used to be an athlete during his college days now suffers from morbid obesity. I think they should go and watch PAN SINGH TOMAR for a Change.

Responsibilities, duties and obligations, this is what remains in the life of the Married Indian Male. He has no life of his own and cannot live it.

When i see the married Indian male, i imagine the portrait of Jesus Christ who is carrying the burden of the Crucifix cross on his back along with the Damocles Sword hanging over his Neck. The burden of the cross are the responsibilities put over him and the Damocles sword is his boss, his job, loans and EMI’s.

It is a terrible thing to live in fear.

Everyone has a choice, an option to say no. How many Indian Men do you come across who have voluntarily decided to stay single because somehow they know that marriage will not work for them?

There are few in number. The reality is that an Average Indian Male is not able to say no, at least not to his Parents.  Also many of them have strong carnal/sexual desires in them, having never indulged in any sexual act before; marriage remains the only option to the Average Indian Male to fulfil his desires.

Bound by custom and tradition the Indian man takes up the responsibilities put upon him, often living a life of despair and gloom. There are plenty of instances where i have seen  the Married men complaining, Complaining about life and everything associated with it. How Sad??? 

Only if they has decided to take a stand ,life would have been different for them.

Every nine minutes a married man commits suicide in India, the following link supports my statement.

http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report_one-married-man-commits-suicide-every-9-minutes_1350968

This is the Reality of the Married Indian Man.

Bhaveen Sheth-Why I hate being a Single Indian Male in India

The trials and tribulations of being Single in the Country of My Origin.

 

A lot is discussed on the problems faced by the Single Indian Woman in the Urban Metro Cities, however no one sheds light on the Single Indian Men.

So I take up this crusade to highlight the woes that we Single Indian Males face.

Let me introduce this category of the Single Indian Male. Around 30 and above, having a post graduate degree and settled in a well paying job in the corporate world.

Single, happy and content with life. Just like how wisdom came to Gautama Buddha and Newton, we too realized what life had in store for us and decided to stay single. We don’t need to give any reasons or any further explanations on why we chose to remain single.

But Alas!!!! Our Indian Society known for its pathological levels of Intolerance has no place for us.

Finding a House, home abode,a place to live or a shelter can be challenging, if it is a challenge for the single Indian woman , it is equally difficult for us too. House owners are suspicious of us. No one trusts us. 

And again we need to justify the reason for our Single status. All houses rentals are usually given to families as they are classified as decent, does that mean that we are indecent???? All we get on the name of Housing is some worthless shanty. Some others go for paying guest accommodation , but that has its own problems, we have to put up with college students maybe 10 or 15 years younger and boys being boys do all sorts of notorious things, they drink, play music at a high volume, keep the room disorganized and worst of all, they call us “Uncle”. And this UNCLE is looked upon as the senior citizen of the paying guest.

How can we get peace of mind when we come home after a hard day’s work and realize that we have to spend our time with some hooligans???

Even the Estate industry has not been kind to us, all the new schemes that are up are either 2 BHK or 3 BHK and now some estate sharks have come up with the idea of 4 and 5 BHK Apartments, in the present  times when nuclear families are coming up and more and more individuals like me are deciding to stay single, the estate guys still think of that “Hum saath saath hai” Indian families.

STUDIO APARTMENT, a dream home of any single person is a rare thing, limited cities have it.

Branded-If a single working woman who has crossed the marriageable age, is labelled as modern,ambitious, promiscuous  haughty, cheap and someone having a loose character, we males suffer no less.

We are seen as potential molesters, eve teasers, rapists, pedophiles, gays and in some cases psychos, YES!!! this how we are looked upon. You see most guys get married and even those who have been divorced or widowed are remarried in a year or two, hence single males are rare to find. Media has portrayed all single men in the forms that i have mentioned before.

Why can’t people understand that we are law abiding citizens who have just chosen to stay single by choice and are not a threat to anyone?

Most fathers are protective of their daughters and warn them to stay away from us, parents also keep their children away and husbands are suspicious. We are human beings and we too like to intermingle with the society. 

Staying single creates an aura of mystery around us, as we pursue our interests and live a happy life we are bound to raise the curiosity of our neighbors. Walking down the apartment itself is a challenge, the jobless good for nothing retired senior citizens who have no other work are found wiling away their time in the compound of the building gossiping about god knows what. And our very site adds fuel to their gossip, some sentences overheard by me are “What is wrong with him, such a nice person and staying single”, “There must be some problem with him, some sexual problem or maybe he is gay”,”kya Zammana aa gaya hai, kalyug hai”. 

And the women of the society who are found chatting now and then also look at us, some with suspicion while others with some interest. You see many of them are stuck in dead end marriages with husbands who are equally worthless and then we the single males living a happy life, who are well groomed,having a toned figure combined with a good sense of humour come a fresh breeze in their otherwise stale vacuum  life. Some of them do show interest in us and end up chatting (flirting) with us, but that is short-lived, the moment their insecure husbands see this happening, all hell breaks loose. They  scold their wives and threaten them against speaking to us.

Social Boycott- Now this is something that I have personally faced again and again and to tell you that i am just disappointed and disillusioned. The Indian Society has taken a campaign of practicing selective racism against us. Go to a restaurant and we are not liked as we are single and are occupying a table of 2 or maybe 4 people. Even if we get the chance to sit on a table, we have suspicious onlookers giving us questioning looks. I know what happens when a single woman sits alone at a bar or a restaurant, she is considered to be "available" and is approached by all sorts of lecherous creatures, thankfully that does not happen with us but still getting disapproving looks is not something we like.

At movie theatres the same thing prevails, the same questioning and disapproving looks, can’t a single man go and watch a movie?? Have stags been banned in watching a movie also?? 

In  an  Airline if we book a window seat, we are asked (err sorry , requested ) by some sweet talking air hostess to change our seats because some family and their children would to sit next to the window and have fun even though they have no booking. And we are expected to comply ,after all what other option do we have???

No one considers us to be a social being, not the Indian Society; we are never invited to any social functions, be it engagements, marriages or other events. After all why should we be invited, since we don’t have any wives or children, what social value will we contribute, right?? And even if we do get invited, it might be for someone’s death ceremony or in any function where the organizer wants free of cost human labour to help with the preparations. I hope the Indian labour Department will make a not of this.

Professional Discrimination

At work we bear the brunt and become the beasts of burden, we are asked to stay back for longer times, work on holidays and take other people’s workload. Why???? Well you are single, what are you going to do by staying at home?? Better come to the office and work?? Others have families and children so they need to attend to them!!! My Question is, that don’t we have any life of our own?? Don’t we have any interests or hobbies that we want to pursue after work hours?? Have our married colleagues done some sort of obligation on the Society by getting married and producing children??????

PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is what I can say.

If we are seen in companionship with a woman, that’s it, we are labelled as playboys. Can’t we as single men seek the company of a woman; don’t we have any feeling or desires?? Do we need a legal binding and approval from the court of law to spend a few hours with a woman? Two hours of beautiful conversation with a woman is like an oasis in a desert. There is no greater happiness than to have and intellectual engaging conversation with a woman, to see her smile and laugh.  There are plenty of marriages in the Indian Society where communication is nonexistent between the couple, even though they have been married for a decade. 

A simple message to all the members of the society , is  that please treat us as Human Beings and not unsocial animals. We are law abiding citizens who have chosen to walk a different path in our life. We are not a threat to your women be it your wives, sisters and daughters. I understand that such creatures do exist but their habitat is in Delhi, Gurgaon and Noida. We are not desperate, years of loneliness and being single has taught us how to control our carnal desires. No, we are not gay and queer, just because we are not married and don’t intend to do so. We certainly don’t suffer from impotence or erectile dysfunction as some of you think and certainly we are not some lonely psychos who have become mentally depressed and are brooding and crying in their rooms. We indulge in activities, hobbies, passions and interests that lead to our self improvement.

And now to tell you why we chose to stay single. You see ,choice and destiny are combined together. Some of us are orphans who have worked hard and made their own lives, we have no family of our own and no one to represent us, which father wants his daughter to get married to an orphan?? Some of us come from dysfunctional or broken families, having seen so many emotional problems in our childhood, we have given up on marriage, some of us are once bitten and hundred times shy, we loved us someone deeply but that person broke our heart and left us and now we don't have any strength to love someone else and the rest are career oriented who are not willing to give up their passion and get married. If Woman can choose to stay single in order to pursue their career interests, can’t we men do the same??

So for god’s sake let us live our lives ,PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

Bhaveen Sheth-Some random Thoughts Part-4

Life now seems to be falling into place.

Documentation procedures are extensive but they need to be done.

Spending my time reading and studying a lot of material.

Wisdom gained through knowledge is amazing.

Cardiovascular Exercises have started to make an impact on me, i find myself more peaceful and calm.

I have decided to improve my endurance to the highest levels.

Just a month left to go and i will touch 30, I am homeless and destitute.

I have stopped focusing on my past and have started concentrating on my future.

To have a home, no matter how small ,is my primary goal.

The quest for a home may take time but the focus will not shift.

Living a single life is bliss and i am enjoying every moment of it without any regrets.

I am intending to make the journey of life more exciting.

Everyday 50 interests are expressed in profiles of woman on shaadi.com, majority of them are rejected upfront with some minorities accepting my interest.

Strange, sad but true even womanwho are divorcees and in their middle ages have started to reject me. Am I turning into an out caste?

Fact it , that i have been blunt in writing my profile, expressing all the bitter truth about my life, and truth is something that the Indian Society is not willing to hear or accept.

And I have stopped giving a damn; i just want to life my life.

I am not desperate for any companionship, if there is one thing that I am really desperate for is a home , a permanent home on my name. Can’t live like a bloody refugee in the country of my origin.

IPL Season 5 has started, another worthless game and nothing but a waste of time. I just wish that my fellow countrymen put their minds in some useful activity that leads to growth and intellectual development.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and i will be back with more.

Victim of the Dowry Prohibition Act-The Story of the Gentleman From Lalitpur

“Agle Mahine ki tariq di hai court ne” This was the  statement made by the young person talking on the phone sitting next to me in the waiting room of Dadar Railway Station. He was young somewhere between 25 and 30.

Distress and gloom was written on his face. I, out of genuine concern asked him what the matter was. Was he facing some court problems???

And so he poured his story, a painful tale which left me stunned.

This young man came from a good family and had a thriving business in the city of Lalithpur, Uttar Pradesh. Life was going good and one fine day his parents decided to get him married.

Brides were scouted and finally they narrowed their search down to a girl residing in Suburban Mumbai. She had everything that the groom’s parents wanted. Caste, Community, family backgrounds and looks. The marriage ceremony was planned, things went on a normal course and the bride shifted to her Husband’s City-Lalitpur.

That was three years ago, what happened in the course of three years was something that i don’t know and the gentleman seated beside me did not care to tell.

And one fine day his wife shifted back to Mumbai, her parent’s home and decided not to come back. What was the reason of her odd behaviour?? Till date even her husband does not know.

All she said that she was not happy with the environment in Lalitpur, she missed the life of Mumbai.

As it has been done before in the Indian Society, the same was done in this case, elders tried to negotiate and bring this matter to a peaceful reconciliation. But alas!! no avail.

And one fine day she filed a case in the court against her husband seeking for a divorce. The husband was utterly shocked when he got the summon from the court. “How could she do this to me, i am her husband”, “she never discussed this matter with me even once”.

And he appeared in front of the metropolitan court in Mumbai which takes up divorce cases. But an unexpected and unprecedented disillusionment was in store for him. His dear wife of three years, the wife that this man loved with his heart and soul so much that he would fight with the devil to see a smile on her  face, she said this in front of the Judge when asked why she was seeking a divorce?

“Your Honor, it is Dowry Harassment”. And that was it; these words were enough to leave her Husband shattered. Never had he or his family ever asked any dowry or had ever harassed her for the same.

His wife had spoken exactly what was told to her by her parents and relatives. Dowry Prohibition act 1985, invoked to protect women from the social evil of dowry that plagues our society even today has been a double edge sword often misused by woman to get a fast track divorce and put her husband and in-laws in neck deep legal trouble.

For the last three months this gentleman from lalitpur paid visits to the Mumbai court along with his brother and got no reprieve. This visit however came with another surprise when he learnt that his wife was planning for remarriage after getting the divorce.

“Woh mere dil me bas gayi hai bhai sahib, nahi nikaal sakta usko,is janam mei  woh sirf meri hai aur meri hi rahengi”. “Divorce to usko milega nahi aur agar jo usne kisi aur se shaadi ki ,to marwaa dunga usko”. A crime of passion seemed to be in its making as he spoke of revenge.

People say that betrayal by the loved one can break a person both physically and mentally.

This was the case of the man from Lalitpur wrongly framed by his wife and his in-laws under the Dowry Prohibition Act.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day. I will be back with more stories and Information.

A Decision taken to Stay Single-Bhaveen Sheth

Over the years, I have become a wise man and have realized that the Institution of Marriage is certainly not my cup of tea. It better for me to remain single, life will be much better. 

Companionship is not needed; I can manage on my own.

I chose to remain a loner, in the past i was a loner and the same will be continued in future.

Life is one big enigma and marriage is the mother of that enigma.

Once the decision to stay single has been taken, I now go about making plans on how to live a single life.

Women in any form or shape no longer interest me.

Over the years gone by, I have developed a rigid heart.

Whenever I see a beautifully woman, the devil inside me wakes up and says “Don’t even look at her, one day she will break your heart and abandon you”.

I also concede the fact that i have neither the competence nor the ability to handle a family.

It better to be alone and stay single rather than be branded as a worthless husband and a lousy father.

I am single both by destiny and choice.

I am strong enough to handle problems on my own, to celebrate and grieve alone.

I choose to focus completely on my career and self development.

A small house, my dream home that is all that matters for me.

The happy Indian Family is just a myth sold in glossies and depicted in movies and television serials.

The reality is that many Indian Families are dysfunctional.

Pretending to be happy is something we Indians are very good at no matter how much inner turmoil we are undergoing.

My decision to stay single will absolve me of all unwanted social responsibilities.

No more social functions to attend, no more social events to participate in,no more religious festivals to celebrate, no more worrying about children, their education, future or careers and last but not the least no more looking for different ways to keep your partner happy.

Let them (the society, the people) say, let them criticize, ostracize me, I don’t care. It is better to accept that you are happily living a single life rather that unhappily dying in your married life.

The society and I will exist and will remain at peace with each other.

But I assure you that being single does not make me a man filled with hatred and disgust towards others.

I will be happy to see couples who are madly in love with each other hold their hands or see couples tying the knot of matrimony and walking down the aisle.

I will remain a traveler, an explorer and a seeker of wisdom.

I will set my life as an example to others that being single is not about despair and doom but about chasing a good life and pursuing your dreams.

Remaining single is about hope, happiness, living life on your own terms, traveling to exotic locations.

I had no family in the past, at the present i have none and in future i shall have none.

Hence i choose to remain single and cherish this wonderful single life that almighty god has given me.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing of for the day, will be back with some more posts.