DOTSIM stands for the diary of the single Indian male.
My dear single Indian male friends,
I was planning to write on this topic since long, but could not find the right words to express my thoughts. However this time i am able to pen down the same.
I discuss today on Dysfunctional families and if you happen to be in one, then why you should leave your family as soon as possible
Dysfunctional families-A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.), or sometimes an untreated mental illness. Dysfunctional parents may emulate or over-correct from their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, a "child-like" parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse their children.
The above definition has been taken from an online Wikipedia source.
The question is, that, are you in one????? What makes a family dysfunctional ??? We don't know because we have never been made to really understand what dysfunctional families are.
An abusive and violent father, constantly bringing his work problems home, a mother who has been a victim all her life , having in silence, a sister who is still not getting married, a brother who has failed on the academic and the professional front. Dominating parents who want to fulfill their dreams through you, parents having have sky high expectations from you.
And what does your house look like or well sound like???? A fish market??? Daily fights!!!! Criticisms,the moment when you enter your house!!!! Everyone having a depressive talk!!!!!
" I failed in my life", "When will she (the daughter) get married"?, " Why can't you earn better"??? "Why are you not as successful as Mr.Sharma's son."?? "Our family is cursed".
If you are hearing the above talks in you r family every day then you certainly belong a dysfunctional family. I don't know what makes Indian families , dysfunctional.
One can say that we as Indians try hard to comply to the archetypical rules and regulations of the Indian Society or we all happen to have abnormal expectations from life or we are not prepared for bad phases of life.What ever the may be the reason, Indian families turn dysfunctional.
And this will certainly have an impact on your mental social and emotional health. You end up living in a virtual hell hole. Everyday negative criticisms bog you down.
The answer err solution!!!!!!!!, LEAVE, yes JUST LEAVE that dysfunctional family of yours. I did not say abandon, you should never abandon your near and dear ones, all i said is just leave. relocate to a different place where you can live a single peaceful existence. Have you imagined what mental peace would feel like??
First do well in your career and get a good job preferably in a place away from your home, lets say some other state. Please remain single so that you can relocate at ease. And leave, just say your good byes and leave.
Initially you may be accused of walking away from your so called responsibilities or being selfish!!!
But remember you can only save others in an ocean once you learn to stay afloat.
Once you relocate, you should concentrate and work towards your personal as well as professional self development. Improve you personality, your communications skills, hit the track field or the gym. On the professional front, work hard, rise in your career, get advanced certifications and plan your career. Get busy in your life so that you forget all the happenings in your dysfunctional family.
And find someone, a mate who understands you and with whom you can get along. Share your feelings with her, tell her about your dysfunctional family, the entire truth, don't hide a single thing. And kindly plan a future with her, just don't use her as some " time pass" option. In bad times a god mate can work wonders, the shoulder of a woman can give you peaceful solace.
Share your future plans with her and if things are working in favour of both, then please commit. take the call, if possible meet her parents, introduce her to your parents and go ahead. Walk down the aisle and get married but again choose to live separately from your dysfunctional family.
Time heals everyone and gradually the members of your dysfunctional family will come in terms with the realities of life and get used to it. You don't have to spoil your life and sacrifice the best years of your adult hood in order to live up the the fake expectations of your dysfunctional family.
Life is Short!!
Think Again
This is Bhaveen Sheth, signing off for the day, will be back with some more.
Bhaveen Sheth
My dear single Indian male friends,
I was planning to write on this topic since long, but could not find the right words to express my thoughts. However this time i am able to pen down the same.
I discuss today on Dysfunctional families and if you happen to be in one, then why you should leave your family as soon as possible
Dysfunctional families-A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.), or sometimes an untreated mental illness. Dysfunctional parents may emulate or over-correct from their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, a "child-like" parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse their children.
The above definition has been taken from an online Wikipedia source.
The question is, that, are you in one????? What makes a family dysfunctional ??? We don't know because we have never been made to really understand what dysfunctional families are.
An abusive and violent father, constantly bringing his work problems home, a mother who has been a victim all her life , having in silence, a sister who is still not getting married, a brother who has failed on the academic and the professional front. Dominating parents who want to fulfill their dreams through you, parents having have sky high expectations from you.
And what does your house look like or well sound like???? A fish market??? Daily fights!!!! Criticisms,the moment when you enter your house!!!! Everyone having a depressive talk!!!!!
" I failed in my life", "When will she (the daughter) get married"?, " Why can't you earn better"??? "Why are you not as successful as Mr.Sharma's son."?? "Our family is cursed".
If you are hearing the above talks in you r family every day then you certainly belong a dysfunctional family. I don't know what makes Indian families , dysfunctional.
One can say that we as Indians try hard to comply to the archetypical rules and regulations of the Indian Society or we all happen to have abnormal expectations from life or we are not prepared for bad phases of life.What ever the may be the reason, Indian families turn dysfunctional.
And this will certainly have an impact on your mental social and emotional health. You end up living in a virtual hell hole. Everyday negative criticisms bog you down.
The answer err solution!!!!!!!!, LEAVE, yes JUST LEAVE that dysfunctional family of yours. I did not say abandon, you should never abandon your near and dear ones, all i said is just leave. relocate to a different place where you can live a single peaceful existence. Have you imagined what mental peace would feel like??
First do well in your career and get a good job preferably in a place away from your home, lets say some other state. Please remain single so that you can relocate at ease. And leave, just say your good byes and leave.
Initially you may be accused of walking away from your so called responsibilities or being selfish!!!
But remember you can only save others in an ocean once you learn to stay afloat.
Once you relocate, you should concentrate and work towards your personal as well as professional self development. Improve you personality, your communications skills, hit the track field or the gym. On the professional front, work hard, rise in your career, get advanced certifications and plan your career. Get busy in your life so that you forget all the happenings in your dysfunctional family.
And find someone, a mate who understands you and with whom you can get along. Share your feelings with her, tell her about your dysfunctional family, the entire truth, don't hide a single thing. And kindly plan a future with her, just don't use her as some " time pass" option. In bad times a god mate can work wonders, the shoulder of a woman can give you peaceful solace.
Share your future plans with her and if things are working in favour of both, then please commit. take the call, if possible meet her parents, introduce her to your parents and go ahead. Walk down the aisle and get married but again choose to live separately from your dysfunctional family.
Time heals everyone and gradually the members of your dysfunctional family will come in terms with the realities of life and get used to it. You don't have to spoil your life and sacrifice the best years of your adult hood in order to live up the the fake expectations of your dysfunctional family.
Life is Short!!
Think Again
This is Bhaveen Sheth, signing off for the day, will be back with some more.
Bhaveen Sheth
hmmmmm...... you said to LEAVE and NOT TO ABANDON.... but ultimately you have suggested to ABANDON...this is absurd
ReplyDeleteMy Dear sir/madam, the day when your dysfunctional family becomes toxic on you, that you have no other opinion remaining, you will have to eventually abandon them.
ReplyDeletehmmmmmm...then please revisit the lines wat u have written again !!! as bow
ReplyDelete"The answer err solution!!!!!!!!, LEAVE, yes JUST LEAVE that dysfunctional family of yours. I did not say abandon, you should never abandon your near and dear ones, all i said is just leave."
2 tongues ! ???????????????
It is not about two tongues, leaving your family and creating your own space is a good thing, what i mean by stating that you should not abandon your near and dear ones is that in times of trouble, like when they are sick or admitted to the hospital, one should be there to support them and if possible take care of them during their moment of trouble.
ReplyDeleteIt does not mean that one should be staying with them ever after.
Bhaveen....Problems are there in every family on this earth .one should not run away from family responsibilities like a coward ! If every father run away from family and choose his own life then there will be no meaning for commitment in a relation!
DeleteIf the words 'Love', 'Relationship' , 'Family', 'Bond' are candles then they can be lite by matchsticks called 'patience' , 'sacrifice', 'commitment', 'hope for betterment'.
If a man is incapable then y at all he should get into a relation ? If his income is capable enough give good life to only one child then why at all he has to give birth to more ?
ours is a middle class family and we survive only on my father's montly salary.when i was in my 10th my parents met with an accident and eventually got into debts . Many times my father felt to put an end to his life as he was not able to run the family due to increased debts .but love for his children (me and my sibling) given him strength to move ahead in his life . If he was not strong enough to face the situation at that time , then imagine our situation ! just bcoz our father could face boldly now myself an engineer and my sibling is a doctor . we both studied with our scholarships only ....this is not to boost ...but just make you understand that running away will only make situations much more worse....face with thm..deal with them...be patient ....infact time heals many things :-)
My dear Friend, i can empathize with your condition, being an Orphan having lost my parents at a very young age i know how miserable life can be.
DeleteI appreciate the efforts taken by you to work things out with your family, but let me tell you that there was love existing within your family in spite of going trough so many difficulties.
But my friend, there are families where everything is normal and they are not subjected to the difficulties that you and i have gone through and still they have dysfunctional relations within them.These families which are fed on greed, lust, comparison , over exceeding ambition make it very difficult for anyone to live a normal life with in the confines of the family.
In such conditions a normal cannot progress and it is for them that i advice that they should leave their dysfunctional family and make a life of their own.
Good Evening friend ...Now I agree with your point. LOVE does not have place where there is GREED, LUST. Thats the reason why I hate the dowry system in India where relationship is formed based on PRICE TAG of the guy,... where is the place for LOVE ?!
DeleteBut the points you have mentioned are " a mother who has been a victim all her life , having in silence, a sister who is still not getting married, a brother who has failed on the academic and the professional front. Dominating parents who want to fulfill their dreams through you, parents having have sky high expectations from you." ..but its minimum expectation from children for parents that they study well so that its the children life which wil be good. Parents love is the unconditional love.and getting daughter married is the basic resp of father ! there is no scope for greed/lust in the reasons you mentioned ...
Your point of saying get away from place where there is LUST/GREED is true .but the examples you have quoted are not applicable :-) .Hope you got my point of view ...
My dear sir, i do understand, but families should work together to solve problems and not take them on and on. Agreed that parents have expectations, but all children cannot become IITians and IIM pass outs, not all children can become successful doctors and engineers. So long as someone is content in his/her vocation and are earning a decent salary, there is no need to crib. When sibling fails in his/her professional life, it is only they who can work out things and find out solutions. A sister not getting married can be upsetting for the family, but is it necessary to take it as a life long gloom and live with it. Come on move over it , things will happen. What about fathers who bring their daily job and work frustrations home???? You can't put all yr frustration on your family and what about those mothers who have suffered bad marriages for their entire life???? What about daily never ending fights among parents???
DeleteIn such a household where can one find mental peace??? That's why i say just leave and leave that dysfunctional family so that you can get some mental peace.
well....if leaving is the solution , then how about survival ? and this is will only lead to becoming orphans inspite of having a family.
ReplyDeleteOne has to decide which relations are toxic and then put a closure/end to such relations.One can always find good friends and soul mates who can take care of us.
ReplyDeletefinding good friends might be easy ...but NOT soulmate ! friends can be supportive only upto some extent ...only people who have blood relation with us and a good soul mate can only do for us beyond any constrains unconditionally.... one need to deal with things rather than escape from relations... there may be arguments , problems , frustrations in a family but the love comes out for sure when the family member is in trouble . as i said time will surely heal many things and bring change in a person .
DeleteUnofficially, I divorced pretty much my whole biological my family when I left home to marry at age 21. There was just too much unhappiness and dysfunction to let my life be ruined by it. I can relate to everything you say in your post. Holidays are bittersweet. All over social media there are these upbeat posts about enjoying your family. My wonderful husband and my friends ARE my family now, and will continue to be.
ReplyDeleteThank you for giving voice to what so many of us experience.