Sometime back I had came across a post wherein the Head of an Organization refused to hire a person who had cut off ties with his family (parents and siblings). He said a person who cannot get along with his family and manage family relationships is not fit to work in an organization. Years back when I was doing my post graduation, one of my colleagues who was part of my circle made a statement that a person who is not attached to his/her own family cannot be trusted.
This is the problem with our country, just like marriage, family is considered to be a holy and pious institution lacking any flaws. There is no concept of dysfunctional family as we the people of India do not believe in such things. Every family is good and there are no problems in it whatsoever. People hardly talk about dysfunctional families. After all we are a society of denial.
My profession and my travels across India has made me realize that there are major problems within Indian families, just no one wants to mention it. I understand that it is a personal choice.
However what if someone wants to move away from such a toxic dysfunctional family and start a new life elsewhere? What if someone realizes that his/her family is dysfunctional and chooses to move out? What if someone decided to just leave such a dysfunctional family for his/her betterment? Is it wrong? Why are they ostracized?
I often read articles on how women should walk out of bad marriages and live a happy life, how a bad marriage of even 2 years leaves emotional scars upon the woman. If moving out of a dysfunctional marriage is considered as empowerment and liberation then why is leaving a dysfunctional family considered a taboo?
Does anyone actually know what happens within a dysfunctional family? How difficult is it to stay even for one day and tolerate tantrums of family members who have major emotional issues? I guess it is not easy to relate to this? Only a person from a toxic dysfunctional family will understand what goes on and what kind of emotional roller ride it is?
There are major issues in such families starting with a couple that is never compatible with each other. Forced into marriage due to family pressure and endure a dead end dysfunctional marriage in order to comply with the norms of the society is a common case. Such couples even have children as they have to show the proof of their masculinity and femininity to the world. Children born in these families are at the receiving end of the family toxicity. Combine this with narrow minded elderly patriarchs and matriarchs living in the family who are the followers, defenders and enforcers of traditional values, norms and customs that they think are necessary to be passed on and enforced on each and every generation. Passing on good manners, culture, values and etiquette is not wrong but enforcing your own personality and dominating the lives of other by curbing their freedom is not acceptable. Everyone wants autonomy to do what they want and as they please.
Then there are those toxic families who have a problem with the entire world. Seems like that they cannot tolerate anyone outside their family circle. They judge and criticize each and everyone, they fight with all their neighbors for no reason. No one wants to be associate with such a family. Such families do not know how to live normally within a community, they get ostracized and ridiculed.
Any child growing up in such families faces major problems related to self esteem, confidence and ability to negotiate in the world outside their homes. They are often the prisoners to their own thoughts and prejudices that have been inculcated in them by years of upbringing and conditioning. It is not easy to adjust with the outside world. Children from these families are often ridiculed and looked upon with derision and contempt. These children find it difficult to adjust with normal people.
So long as these children are associated with their dysfunctional families they will not be able to become sane adults. The ones with wisdom realize that its is necessary to move away from their toxic families if they want to start a normal life. For those who stay back and remain with their dysfunctional families, life is not good. They become a replica of their own dysfunctional parents or family members finding it difficult to adjust with the normal world.
I just want to ask anyone who is reading this post "What is wrong if someone leaves his/her toxic dysfunctional family?" " What is wrong if someones severs relationships with family members who are acerbic?" We come across so many corporate coaches and motivational speakers who give long speeches on avoiding negative people and staying away from them as it is detrimental to an individual's progress, then why no one talks about toxic dysfunctional families?
The feminist media empowers divorce and separation by stating that women should not waste their best years by staying with a wrong person then why should a normal person stay with a dysfunctional family even for a day.
Millions of childhoods have been ruined, careers and marriages destroyed due to toxic dysfunctional families. It is time for anyone reading this post to seriously introspect. Every individual has a right to live a dignified life, a life filled with joy and happiness and he/ she can chose it individually.
Judging a person on his/her family background is not right. Everyone has a story and we should learn to respect a person. Everyone is fighting his/her own battles, the least that we can do is empathize and try to understand. People are products of their circumstances and the situations that they have faced.
People who leave their dysfunctional families in order to have a better and peaceful start are strong, capable and independent decision makers. They have the courage to face the world on their own and there is nothing that will stop them. Learn to accept such people. In today's times this is the new normal.
Bhaveen Sheth
