By the time you have reached 40 , you are very much an adult having attained maturity. It is another thing that there are still a large number of Indian men who have still not matured even after crossing 40.
I can confidently that I have transitioned into orphan adulthood. I have become more aware, concious and have attained the required experience to deal with the challenges that comes with living a life as a single man and orphan. Twenty years ago, I was a novice trying to figure out my way in life but that is no longer the case anymore. I have become a veteran, hardended by the difficulties that I have experienced.
One of the most important lessons that I have learnt is to focus on myself without bothering about what others say or do. I have my own life to work on and I am not here to please and appease others.
I have gradually accepted some realities of life that will stay for a long time. Loneliness and solitude is one of them. The second is to take up and face challenges all by myself. No one is going to come to help me. Years of living the life of an orphan has made me realize that no one comes to help people like us, we are just left on our own, forsaken by everyone. A bitter truth I have accepted.
Marriage will remain an impossible dream, just a fantasy that will never a positive outcome. I can be labelled as negative or cynical but I say that I am a pragmatist. All these years of having met these so called suitable alliances for marriage has taught me one thing; Orphans don't have the right to get married, majority of these so called people belonging to respectable families have their status and reputations to protect. Why would they want to marry their daughtes/sisters to orphans. Even at this age women who have crossed 35 and are looking for suitable alliances are not interested in orphans. It amazes me that even at the age of 40, I am not seen as an indivdual adult.
Gradually I am under going the process of dehumanization, that of unbecoming a human being. It has been years that I have felt the touch, embrace and affection of another human being. Even today as an Adult Orphan this is something I miss a lot and dream if such a thing was possible for me. But reality is not a dream world especially for orphans. I wish if people understood the kind of internal turmoil that orphans go through. That feeling of not being human even when you are phsyically a human, the lack of expression of feelings, unable to receive love and affection from another fellow human. The lack of inclusion within the larger society, of having no one to appreciate you on a personal level. Yes it hurts, hurts a lot and I have accepted all this stoically. With whom will I share my grievances? Even god have given up on us.
I ask myself many times "Would I have become a good father or a caring and dutiful husband if I had got married?" This is something difficult to answer. For the last two decades I am totally cut off from a normal family set up. I have missed out on social occasions, festivals, gathering and a lot more that comes with being a normal person who has a complete family. I don't even understand the importance of some social functions. Those initial years of being an orphan were difficult, gradually with the help of my two best mentors, I overcame my grief and moved on in order to chart a career path. However I did miss out on those important years when it comes to personal growth in realtion to family and society. At this point when marriage is ruled out, I will have to continue a solo life. Being a husband and a father is not written in my destiny. I guess that is life and sometimes it is not fair to everyone.
One of the most difficulties of being an adult orphan is always the need to be strong, the need to carry out battles all by yourself, the challenge of facing difficulties all alone. One cannot be weak or vulnerable. You don't have anyone to show your vulnerable side. Over the course of years it becomes a huge burden. The need to constantly be vigilant is not something that normal people go through. I have often seen that the support of a family does play an important role in facing challenges and diffculties that arise in the course of our lives, unfortunately as adult orphans we are on our own and we have to be self-dependent.
Of course, with everything there is always a silver linge. Being an Adult Orphan without a family gives you the freedom to chart the course of your life the way you want. I have no longer to live up to the exepectations of a family or a society. I feel like a free man who is only answerable to himself. Mental peace and a positive emotional health is something that I possess. I am not facing the stress and tension that today's married men (husbands and fathers) face. I have no one to feed or take care of other than myself. Small things and experiences make me happy. I have realized that a minimalistic living can make you content. I no longer compare myself with others as I focus on making a better version of myself every day. Yesterday has gone, today is there and tomorrow is someting I look forward to.
As I finish writing this post, I look forward to many things. I want to rise in my career and be looked upon as a thorough professional who knows his subject, I want to be remembered as a mentor who shaped the careers and lives of may people. On the personal front I want to help as many people as I can, be it orphans or single Indian men in living a happy and content life. I want to explore places in India, read as many books as I can, watch the best of the movies and web series available on popular OTT platforms. I have promised myself that I will never becomes one of those unfit pot bellied uncles in their 40s and 50s that one comes across. I want to be a fit and lean man and be looked with awe and respect. Yes respect. something that all orphans want and are yet denied just because they don;t have parents.
This is my life and I have accepted all the challenges and difficiulties of an Adult Orphan, I have matured and transitioned myself into an veteran who has been hardended by experience.
Bhaveen Sheth
Indian MGTOW
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