DEALING WITH LONELINESS

Loneliness is  one thing that affects a lot of singletons. This is a kind of a malady that becomes chronic in evenings, weekends and public holidays.

In this blog post, I, Bhaveen Sheth, the Single Indian man writes down my own experiences on dealing with loneliness.It is not easy dealing with loneliness, it was never easy and it will never be easy. However over the years living alone has made me a stronger person.

There is an old saying that goes by stating that an ideal mind is a devil's workshop.Many single Indian men living alone take up bad and evil habits in order to deal with loneliness. I have avoided this path and can proudly say that I am living a single life filled with hobbies and creativity.

My deep interests in reading and writing keeps me engaged. Movies and American television series are my secondary passions and I love to watch them during my free time.

I believe that every person needs to find a higher meaning in his life, a meaning in which he feels that he can make a difference.Some may find it their chosen vocation while others may find it outside. I strongly stand for men's rights in India and have a dream of becoming a spokesperson for a men's rights group.

Being a veteran in living alone for a long time ( now almost 17 years), I focus on my health and well being. After all there is no one who will take care of me. I try eating properly and exercise regularly. There are times when i am not able to keep up my daily schedule but still I try.I don't want to look like those middle aged uncles with pot bellies hanging.I idolise Milind Soman and want to look like him when I turn 50, athletic, fit and fabulous.he is my inspiration behind. running marathons.

Mastering life skills is very important for all of us who are staying alone. While I am able to manage a house independently, I am still struggling with the fine art of cooking.I have decided that when I relocate some where else, I will rent a flat preferably 1 BHK and learn cooking skills on my own.There in no point in surviving on mess, parcels and takeouts for your entire life.

To overcome loneliness one needs to set a new goal that has to be achieved. When your mind in occupied in trying to achieve something, you don't get affected by loneliness.So it is always that new movie that I have to watch, a new skill that I need to learn, a new place to visit, new books to read and movies to download.Never get bothered by the negativity and toxicity of loneliness.There are times when I feel sad and I am sure many single men do the same. There are ups and downs but when faced with such kind of situations, try not to get affected by it. In my case I try to pick up a book and read.

Over the years i have stopped having hopes of getting married. If I am to meet my soulmate , it will happen, however i cannot associate that one event of my life with happiness.People call me selfish and materialistic for not getting married and I hardly care.There is no shortage of women in this country especially amongst the 30 plus urban educated class.Do a demographic study and you will find a large number of 30 and 40 plus single, never married, separated, divorced single women and one doesn't need to chase them around, it is they who are desperately looking out for men.

And finally last but not the least, I have stopped visiting places or attending social functions that remind me of being a single left out person. There is a post that i plan to write on why I stopped attending marriages, so you can expect to read it later. I tend to visit places/events that celebrate individualism and solo life.

Ending this post, I would like to state that living  alone and dealing with loneliness is a big challenge especially in India. However one needs to find his own way to happiness.

This Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be aback with a lot more.

I AM SINGLE NOT A LOSER

This blog spot is dedicated to many single Indian men who have chosen to remain single either out of choice or destiny and to the divorced and separated men who have chosen never to marry again. This write up is for strengthening our resolve and give a befitting reply to the society that treats us like failures and losers.

In India, marriage defines an individual, both men and women. By a certain age one has to get married and if that does not happen , one has to be ready to face the criticism from the society.

At 34 (and just some months before I turn 35), I am called a loser :a man who failed to find a suitable match, a man who is still not married, not settled and does not have children.

It is very easy to brand a 30 or 40 year plus single Indian man a loser. People have even given me other names for remaining single, I am called commitment phobic, irresponsible, immature, negative and pessimistic. I am sure many single Indian men who are currently reading this post would have also faced similar situations.

Seriously!! Please tell me one thing: What makes me and men of my kind losers? I am sure you have no answer. Presently I am single and happy living a solo life. I have still not come across someone with whom I can make a connection.But I am not breaking any law, am I ?

Unlike frustrated single Indian men, I am content with myself, I enjoy my own company, take myself out to dinners and movies regularly. I pursue my hobbies and passions rigorously. Does that make me a loser?

And does marriage hold any importance in today's society these days?Are people happily married the way they claim in social media? I seriously have my doubts.

When did that one institution make someone a winner/loser. Just because I don't have a woman by my side does not make me a dork.

Individualism in India has never been respected. Anyone who is happily living a single life is considered selfish. But the society does not rest at that. It goes further in branding single Indian men as failures.This term has been concocted by the Indian feminists and feminazis who don't want any single Indian man to feel adequate. Amazingly ,a single Indian woman in glorified. She is labelled as a strong, educated,modern, liberated 21st century woman. It looks like the Indian feminists are insecure about many Indian Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW). They are scared that a day will come when Indian men will not consider these modern urban single women for marriage.

So what do the feminists do? They make a term called LOSER and use their good offices in the media to spread the message that all single Indian men are losers.

The fact is that the so called real loser Indian men get married by hook or by crook. Their parents do their best to get a suitable matrimonial alliance for them. Intelligent mature Indian men take a rational decision of remaining single after a lot of thought.These are the facts.

I end this blog with a quote:

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Just because we are orphans doesn't mean we don't have the right to live a normal life

In this blogspot, I would like to put my feelings on behalf of many orphans like me who are denied the right to live a dignified life by the Indian society.

There are times when I wonder whether that India as a country in general and Indian society in particular denies a dignified life to its orphaned people.

We all know what happens to orphan children on streets, I don't need to say more. But there are many who work hard and make a life for themselves , achieving success single handedly with no support or help. And yet they are denied a dignified life by the Indian society which only thinks that dignity is to be accorded to people who belong to a RESPECTABLE FAMILY.

As self made men we are not respectable just because we don't have a family who can represent us. The society for some reason believes in segregating us and having us quarantined. Social exclusion is an unspoken rule that the society follows in our case.

And we are humans too. Why do people forget that. We were also someone's children. Is it our fault that we lost our parents? Is it our fault that our destiny was bad? Aren't we human beings? What wrong have we done that we get such a sub human and inhuman treatment?

We also have aspirations, dreams and feelings. We wish to connect, we wish to be included and we seek validation. We also aspire for a spouse, family, children and happiness, we crave for human touch, we want someone to reach out to our disturbed lonely souls and make us feel human. But what we get is rejection and denial. People don't think twice before insulting and humiliating us. Eventually we give up and move on with living our lives.

And when we go about minding our own lives, we are again criticised for living a wayward single life.So here I make a clear point to many men of my kind. We have the right to live our lives, go ahead, backpack, travel, watch movies, take yourself to a good restaurant, read good books and improve the quality of your life. Because the Indian society does not want us and we should not expect anything form it either. But remember, we should not stop living a life of fulfilment and happiness just because we are orphans.

At 34 being single

As I age and add an extra candle to my birthday cake, I write down my thoughts and feelings in this blogspot.

I am now approaching my mid 30's. Life is going on.My juniors are now getting married and peers are raising a family. At this point of life I have overcome the challenges that solo living puts in front of me.No longer desperate to get married, I now focus on improving the quality of my life everyday. Women no longer interest me and marriage may now be an unrealized dream. Focus is on self improvement and self development has become an integral part of my life.

There are times when I feel lonely, sad and alone:I feel that I have been left out from living a normal life.Did not get married, do not have a spouse and have not fathered a child. Yes, I go through such times. But every morning when I wake up , I look forward at contributing something to the world, look forward to improve my life, look forward at a better future.That is when I realized that I am happy being single.

I no longer dream of meeting that beautiful soul mate.If some were to happen, it will happen, why should I bother?Many single women that I come across have extremely high expectations even in their 30's and rest of them are divorcees, widows, single moms, the dejected and rejected. Who wants to marry conceited and depressed women?

Creating meaningful relationships with people is more important for me. I have realized my sociability quotient, people love my company and often invite me to their homes for lunch and dinner. It makes me happy.

As I look over the past 34 years, my life has been good, there have been ups and downs, good times and bad times and I have accepted it.There is still a lot to achieve, miles to go and places to travel. I have not given up hope on finding a soul mate, however, I have become more pragmatic and practical.I look forward to what life has to offer and am willing to take the challenges head on.

Celebrating 70 years of India's independence: Is the Indian man really free?-BHAVEEN SHETH DTOSIM

Bhaveen Sheth the writer of this blog talks on the freedom of Indian men in the last 70 years since India's independence. This essay discusses the reality of Indian men in today's feminised society where men are increasingly being vilified  and branded as evil creatures.

On 15th of  August last month India celebrated its 70th year of Independence. Seventy years ago India had its tryst with destiny where at midnight the Union Jack was replaced by the Indian tricolour.  In the last seventy years many events have marked the timeline of this nation:India has achieved many important milestones.

Seventy years ago we became free, free from foreign rule, free from slavery, free from exploitation and oppression and free from the shackles of bondage.But in spite of all this, I would like to ask whether the Indian man is truly free? Is he able to celebrate independence in its true spirit? Does he get to taste the fruits of independence? Has he been able to reap the harvest of India becoming independent?I doubt if that really happened or will really happen in the near future. The Indian man in still under the shackles of bondage, slavery and oppression. The only difference is that after the Britishers left, the Indian man got new oppressors in the form of the Indian society and feminists. In the points mentioned below I mention how the Indian man is still enslaved by the society in spite of being a citizen of a free and independent country.

1. Slavery in the form of insurmountable expectations

A friend has mentioned to me a long while ago that in India when an male child is born , he is automatically labelled as Ram or Shravan. He is the torch bearer of the family name and is expected to carry the family legacy ahead. He is to shoulder the family's burden, he is to take care of his parents, educate his younger siblings, get his sisters married, get himself married and have children.The Indian man is expected to pursue conventional vocations like medicine, engineering, MBA, law or civil services. He is expected to take up a government job that ensures job security or a well paying job in an MNC. Where is the freedom?Where is the independence? Indian men have to live up to the expectations of others that have been created on pure fantasy. Can an Indian man live a life of liberty when he is bound by the shackles of expectations? Even now a majority of Indian men are living the life of a slave in order to meet some useless expectation.

2. A catalyst to fulfil the unfulfilled dreams of parents.

Indian parents always want to relive their lives through their children. They want their descendent to all those things that they could not do in their lives.Everything right from schooling, college, career choices, achievements and accomplishments are decided by parents, more so for the male gender.Indian men are not given any choice. Childhood and teenage years are pre-programmed by parents. Successful and accomplished Indian men are flaunted as prized trophies by parents in front of others. A boy is forced to pursue medicine or engineering because his father could not do the same.Even hobbies and activities are decided by parents just because they could not pursue the same in their childhood. So here again I ask,: Where is the liberty?

3. No freedom to love the women of his choice.

In the last 70 years many things have changed in India. Our society has become modern and more accepting, mostly on the superficial front. At core level it remains deeply traditional and conservative. Even today Indian men don't find true love. And if they find it in a woman, norms dictated by the society does not allow things to continue ahead. In my previous points I have mentioned how the burden of expectations does not allow men to go out and find love. add that to a strenuous college life and an over demanding job in the later years of life. The Indian men are living a loveless life. Indian men have been conditioned to believe that they can only find love after achieving success but that is not the case. Even today going out with a girl is a taboo in many parts of India. Marriages are mostly arranged.There are many instances where men end up in a loveless marriage.So here I ask, do Indian men have the freedom to fin true love?

4.India is no country for sexual experimentation.

Sex is a basic need, admit it, irrespective of gender this carnale desire forms the base of Maslow's pyramid. But in India we practice double standards and hypocrisy at a magnanimous level. We have a rich cultural history in carnal practices and yet fornicating with with someone is considered to be a sinful crime. Indian society never allows sexual experimentation, having sex with an underage girl (below 18) is tantamount to rape. If gender segregation was a primary barrier to debar sex then caste , creed and religion are secondary fortifications. With a price tag of purity attached to virginity of women, pre-marital sex is not easy. In college while 5% boys get lucky , 95 % don't. Many boys end up becoming friend zoned or at worse Bhai zoned.Workplace is no easy place for coupling as it is all about a match for equals.Arrogant, conceited and haughty Indian women make it extremely difficult for men to approach them. Asking a woman for a coffee is equivalent to outraging her modesty. And the women complain why the men don't make the first move? Arranged marriage is the only sure shot way to guarantee Indian men unlimited sex. But that too comes with its own terms and conditions. The wife holds the vantage point and keeps the man on a tight leash with giving and denying sex.This goes on. Pregnancy plays a havoc on the psyche of the woman.Motherhood makes her loose interest in sex.And soon we are going to have laws on marital rape that will criminalise sex within marriage. So much for seventy years of Independence.

Prostitution has not been legalised, dubious escort agencies work as extorting rackets, getting a room in a hotel for a couple of hours to copulate arouses suspicions, extra marital sex is a crime, having normal sexual desires automatically gets a man labelled as a pervert.If a single man brings a woman to his house, he is considered a threat to the social moral fabric of the society.Going on sex tourism to countries like Thailand or Uzbekistan will get you labelled as a sexual lunatic.It is strange that we respect the white men (our former masters)when we see them fulfilling their sexual desires and detest our own Indian fellow men for doing so.In terms of sexual freedom we are highly repressed by a dictatorial and autocratic society and a pathetic archaic judicial system. So much for sexual freedom.

5. Monkeys dancing to the tunes of their wives.

We may have evolved from monkeys but Indian men still retain many characteristics of monkeys especially the street side monkeys who have a leash tied around to their necks and are made to perform as per the wishes of their masters.You know, the madaari and jamura.. Marriage is some way turns an Indian man into a slave, don't know why. It can be the sex , the beauty, the flesh, the charm and of course the need for validation.Post marriage many Indian men find their self confidence and self esteem take a big hit, subservience and servileness becomes a part of their normal behaviour.Men become slaves and will do anything to see a smile of the face of their wives.

6. Bonded labourers to Equated Monthly Instalments (EMI's) and home loans.

Post India's economic liberalisation in the year 1991, debt found a new corporate name: EMI and home loans.The ubiquitous albatross that is found hanging in the necks of hundreds and thousands of Indian men. Marriage has forced men to adopt a lifestyle beyond their means and capacity. House, cars, electronic accessories, mobile phones and many other things are paid through EMI's and home loans.The man becomes a lifetime slave.He does a job he does not like, works for an organisation that has a toxic work culture, professional development takes a hit, his personal interest, dreams and desires take a back seat. Children's school and college fee brings an additional burden. The wife neither contributes nor helps.She had a well paying job before marriage but is now a full time home maker. She states her feminine philosophy that a man should take care of his wife.I wonder why do such women even get educated and waste their father's hard earned money.The man ends up living the life of a slave until retirement and wonders what kind of life is he living?This is the new kind of slavery that is growing day after day and our leaders say that we are free from oppression.

7.Draconian anti-male laws within the judicial system.

The British used draconian laws during the colonial era and imprisoned thousands of freedom fighters. After the British left normal life resumed.But three decades later somewhere in 1980's a new dowry prohibition law came into effect. The law that was pushed forward by India's feminazis. This law became one of the most misused and abused laws within the judicial system of this nation.More that thousands are arrested under this law for no reason, 98 % cases turn out to be fake.Over the years we have seen many such draconian  laws come into effect, the domestic violence act, the amendment of the Hindu marriage act and now a law on marital rape is in the anvil.There are more that 15 anti-male laws within our judicial system.Many Indian women get a huge satisfaction in dragging their husbands and in-laws to courts.It seems that getting married itself is a big crime.Thousands of men have been falsely accused and are fighting in courts to prove their innocence.

Forget marriage, even having sex with a woman is dangerous, atl east in India.Many women have filled rape charges against their boyfriends/live in partners stating that they were cheated on the false pretext of marriage.When did casual sex turn into a marriage proposal? If these women are so particular about their virginity, they should not indulge in casual sex. And yes, I forgot to mention the amendments that took place in 2013 after the famous Nirbhaya incident.A man charged under the existing rape laws faces life imprisonment.Even workplaces have become dangerous minefields.The new laws addressing sexual harassment at workplace are equally draconian and female biased.There is no support for men in case if they are victims. Alimony laws mandate that a husband should pay hefty alimony after separation, half of his property is to go to his wife after separation. And this is not the end , there are many such draconian laws that will be implemented in the near future.

8. Prejudice and hatred towards single Indian men.

Sensible Indian men have started living single, some out of choice, some out of compulsion and some of because of their own destiny.But even these men are not spared from the prejudice of the Indian society.We (the single Indian men) have become the new outcasts or scheduled castes. We are the new dalits of the modern Indian society:hated, detested, secluded and segregated, this is how the married Indian folks treat us.In their eyes we have violated the norms of the society by staying single.Not a day will go by when a single Indian man is critically reminded about his single status.Single Indian men are discriminated on many fronts:they don't get a house on rent, a table at a fancy restaurant, buying a property is equally cumbersome, no one invites them to any social functions, gatherings or events. Life is definitely not easy for single  men in India,

I come back to my primary question. On the 70th anniversary of India's independence , is the Indian man really free?I guess not! The only thing is that our masters have changed. Before independence we had British rulers and now we have femnisists, feminzais and an autocratic Indian society.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and will be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

A moment of introspection for single Indian men-DOTSIM-Bhaveen Sheth

A few days ago, I finished reading the book titled "From Home to house", writings of the Kashmiri Pandits in Exile.I take this inspiration after reading one of the chapters written by Mr.K. N. Pandita who writes on moments of introspection.

 Indian men living single for many reasons will have their own moments of introspection. Yes we are single, living in a country and a society where the majority is married.We are single because something did not go right. We may be orphans, we may have left our dysfunctional families for good, we got left out on the marriage front, women did not see us as suitable life partners., we got separated, we got divorced.There are infinite reasons for us living a single life. We don't owe an explanation to the society.

Marriage is out of the question for us.For the first time in so many decades since India's independence Indian men have finally breathed freedom:freedom form the unwanted responsibilities of the Indian society, freedom from the shackles and bondage of a dysfunctional family and freedom from toxic marriages.Remember those times when you were keen to get married? Remember those days when you met potential brides? Remember those moments when you were humiliated and ridiculed just because you did not meet up to certain expectations? Remember those days when your parents were informed that you were rejected by a potential girl just because you did not meet up to her standards? Do you remember those feelings of despair, hopelessness, despondency and formlessness? How did it feel like getting rejected each and every time?

You and your parents went from pillar to post in order to find a suitable match but nothing happened. In my case (I am am an orphan) and for those who left their dysfunctional families for good,seeking a matrimonial alliance was even more difficult.No one wanted to associate with someone who did not have any people family background.Years have gone by and now we are in our 30s and 40s. But still, even today we brood over being a leftover single, we are sad for not having a family.

It will take some time for some of us to come out of this syndrome of being a leftover single man.We will have to look at new avenues in terms of our vocation, career , entertainment and a creative life away from the norms of the Indian society.

During the first phases of our single life, we will face a lot of difficulties. Living alone has never been easy. This phase will test us. We will be vulnerable during this period. One should remain positive and never give in to any kind of addiction or vice.Madly looking out for love and expecting a woman to be our emotional pillar will lead to grave disappointments.We will have to sit down and think on how we can chart out our future course of life.

Grit and determination will pave our way forward. Gradually a realization will dawn upon us on the need to start making the best use of our lives.In order to be truly alone, we must move out of our own homes or comfort zones. We will have to live separately, away from our parents.We will have to make ourselves immune from the criticisms and taunts of the Indian society.

During this phase we will have to work on our careers and become better professionals, pursue activities of continuous professional development, get advanced certifications, work in different places where the job is challenging. We will have to make a place for ourselves, both vertically and horizontally. We will have to rise to the top echelons within the organization. In the coming two to three decades we should be financially sound living in a house in our own name.

Not being married does not become an end of life.Our motivation to live a better life should take us to places. No land is foreign to us and no territory is forbidden to us.We should think about immigrating to foreign countries or even do minor job stints in Gulf rich kingdoms, it will add magnanimously to our bank balance.

It is futile to live with this dream or hope of getting married.It is futile to expect the Indian society to understand us.We are important to no one, a non-entity, unwanted disposable beings.For the Indian society we are a liability, a stinky lot.We are objects of ridicule and taunts.The society considers us to be losers as we could not get married, keep a woman or father a child. Being branded as a pariah , the society has shut its gates to us forever.

The Indian media considers it a taboo to speak on the plight of single Indian men.The feminists and their feminazi cousins harbour rabid fanaticism of hatred towards us. We are labelled as potential paedophiles, rapists and certified sex offenders. We have been branded as sex maniacs and perverts.

We ask for equal treatment, we ask for respect and dignity. We ask for a place in the Indian society, we ask for a representation as a minority.But no one is there to understand our situation.

We cannot move forward if we keep thinking that we are victims.We cannot move forward if we keep thinking ourselves to be bare branches or leftover men ( a slang used for unmarried men in China). How can we remain happy if we are so hard on ourselves. We need to move ahead. I understand that things did not go well with us and that's why we are still single.One cannot brood over his past.However we must learn to take care of ourselves, we should groom well, wear good clothes, exercise, live a healthy lifestyle and take up creative activities. We should travel alone across the length and breadth of this country. It is during these journeys that we will explore ourselves and return back fully charged. We also need to learn important life skills. This will make us confident and self reliant paving our path towards a happy single life. Why do we need a woman to come in our lives so that she can cook and feed us?

My dear single Indian men, we are not the only ones who have seen sadness, grief or suffering. Human history is replete with all this. Ours is not an exceptional case. Remember, solo living and displacement is a great boon, blessing and virtue, if we can utilise it properly.Many great single men have made remarkable achievements by remaining single. Do I need to explain the life of Dr.Abdul Kalam or Mr.Ratan Tata. We will have to unleash the potential that has been dormant within us for a long time and create our own new world with a new vision.Only the weak and feeble will cry over their miserable condition. We, the single Indian men are strong and we must rise to this occasion and challenge.

Go ahead and live that meaningful life. Live a life that we become an object of an envy for each and every married person Live your life in such a manner that all people will stand up and say that you are the one who is truly living his life.

Single Indian Men have dignity and self respect

For all the people of the Indian society who think that some Indian men are singe because they do not pursue women or make the first move are grossly mistaken.The reason we may still be single is because we like to uphold our dignity. Strange isn't it,  but it is true. Many men like me want to be respected and not be ill treated.

We have had our fair share of experiences, we have been rebuked, insulted, ignored, poorly treated and verbally abused. And for what? Just because we made the first move, just because we took the initiative and were direct with someone we liked. 

Indian women expect us to ask them out and when we do it, we are criticised for being desperate men. We are labelled as "CHEPS" or "CHEPUS" a colloquial north Indian term for a sticky person.And yes , not to forget that a girl's father, mother , brother and sister is also involved in this process. Ya, we have had stories when the family members of girls and women have told us to stop calling and contacting them. Some have even threatened us with dire consequences. 

And what for , what for have we been treated so badly? Just because we showed interest in some women and made the first move? Why should we even compromise with our self respect and dignity?

Why should we berate ourselves? Why should we compromise on our dignity?

And this is the reason why we do not make the first move, this is the reason that we are happy being single, this is the reason where a life of solo stoicism is more acceptable.

As I end this I clearly state that we the single Indian men are happy the way we are and are not interested in mingling certainly not at the cost of our self respect and dignity. As far as the women are concerned, they can do what they please. Many of them will remain single fantasising that why no one came and approached them while some will get married to some guy belonging to their own caste and community.

And that is the end of story. For many of my single Indian male friends, I salute you for upholding your self respect and  dignity.

This is Bhaveen Sheth and i promise to be back with a lot more.