When your loved one has a different mind: An insight into India's dysfunctional families-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man takes inspiration from the book "The book of light" authored by Mr.Jerry Pinto and writes as a third person on dysfunctional Indian families.Taking an inspiration from this book and having spoken and interacted with many people coming from dysfunctional families, I write this post to give a real insight into these families and how it affects individuals who are a part of such families.

Family is the basic foundation of the society.Family is the source of our strength.In times of distress we look at our families for support. We share our joys, our birthdays, anniversaries, festivals and other happy occasions.For each and every individual his/her family is an ultimate universe.

But what happens when that very family of yours in not normal?What happens when your loved one hurts and betrays  you? What happens when your family lets you down and disappoints you? What happens when your house becomes a battlefield, a war zone where conflicts are emotionally violent, violent enough to affect you physically and mentally.This is the truth about India's dysfunctional families and toxic loveless marriages.

Family is a revered institution in the Indian society. It is always picture perfect, it is infallible.No one is willing to accept that there can be something wrong with a family.Physical and sexual abuse are often widely spoken and discussed topics in the media. However no one talks about emotional abuse, the abuse that is responsible for multiple problems amongst the victims who are suffering from it. Emotional abuse is witnessed from childhood and goes on till adulthood.

What can you do when your loved one has a different mind?

A father who is frustrated, unhappy, uncaring, unloving, strict, nonreciprocating, having emotional outbursts, prone to substance abuse like alcohol and tobacco. What happens when he seems to be frustrated with his job and marriage? What happens when he has enormous expectations from you? You very well know. There is an absence of a father figure in-spite of having one.The man who happens to be your father ceases to be one.

What happens when your mother shows similar traits like your father? What happens when the person you love the most is strictly dominating you to the extent of  emotionally smothering you.What happens when you realize that your mother is using you as a tool of manipulation against your own father and other family members? What happens when you don't see any compatibility between your parents? You constantly see your parents fighting with each other, your house is never peaceful.

And what if your grandparents were more toxic that your parents?Your grandparents did not love you for reasons you could never understand. You saw your grandparents adding fuel to fire leading to more disagreements between your parents.When things went bad, you saw your grandparents from both the sides coming and fighting with each other.It was one verbal duel to watch. You would ask yourself why did they fight so badly?  Even street dogs never barked and fought so badly! Accusations and counter accusations follow. Each side blames their gods and destinies that why did they get their son/daughter married into such a disgusting family.

The near and far off relatives are no better. Social meetings and gatherings become some sort of a competition where parents boast about their income , careers, children and their achievements.And if you have performed averagely either in school,college or even in your profession, you get lambasted, insulted and ridiculed for no reason. The adults don't get along, jealously, rivalry and hatred are mutual. Social gatherings are just a formality in order to keep the tradition alive,

Then there are your siblings who have gone through a similar situation like yours. The behaviour of your parents has manifested into them. Years go by, you have grown up and things have become worse.Your brother fails to finish his education, if he finishes his education, he fails to get a decent job and if he gets a job, he fails to retain it for more than 6 months.In some cases he goes on substance abuse.He is sad and depressed. Maybe he has ideas of becoming a singer or a movie star and pursues it without result.Maybe he does not want to work and he starts his own business which eventually fails leading to financial debt and additional burden on the family.

Your sister finds it difficult to get married, if she gets married, there is a marital discord with her husband and in-laws.Eventually things don't work out and she gets divorced returning to your home sometimes with a child from her marriage.There are court cases that the family has to battle, dirty linen is washed in public.The taint and stain of the divorce stays on the family. Parents are more depressed than ever. What can they do when they have a jobless son and a divorced daughter sitting at home.And then it is you who is watching all this drama unfold in front of him.

How do your feel being deprived of love, care and affection?You wish you had someone to support you but it does not happen. Maybe you made that special friendship with the opposite gender, maybe you felt that she was your soul mate with whom you could share your entire life.How do you feel when that special woman used you to fulfill her materialistic needs, what do you do when you realized that she only wanted to take advantage of you.For a moment you are shattered, your world of dreams has collapsed. This is another betrayal from a loved one and it hurts.

You look forward to get married and sometimes it works out.Finally things are working in your favor, the marriage is fixed, the ceremony takes place and a  new life begins.After a bliss of one year, the harsh reality sets in like a recurring disease. You realize that your wife and in-laws are emotionally abusive. They carry out the same abuses that your parents and relatives carried out. Things go bad, separation and divorce happens. Your wife and in-laws are hell bent on making your life miserable. A terrible legal battle follows that takes a toll on your health. And once again your are left at the same place where you started from.

As I end this post, I imagine how terribly dysfunctional families affects children in their formative years and shapes their behavior and adult life.When children are deprived of parental care, they grow up with a different personality finding it difficult to connect with others and fit into the society. They build walls around themselves and loneliness becomes a part of their lives. Those who get married give rise to another dysfunctional family.

This is what happens when your loved one is of a different mind.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth 

INDIAN MGTOW

Why do some people never go back to their dysfunctional families after leaving them-Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian man talks from the perspective of many Indian men who haveleft their dysfunctional families for good and will never go back to them.I will write on the reasons, the challenges and what holds them back from their own families.

In the Indian society, family is the single most important institution where people find social, emotional and moral support.Fiction and cinema have portrayed the Indian family as the vital source for love, care and affection.The happy Indian family staying together is a ubiquitous thing and everyone dreams of having one.

But what if one does not have that happy family?What if your family consisting of your near and far off relatives are dysfunctional? What if your loved ones are constantly hurting you? What if on any given day your house is filled with melodrama, emotional outbursts and verbal abuses? I guess it is difficult to have one answer to so many complicated questions.

Dysfunctional families in India is something no one wants to discuss. It is a taboo.In a society where parents are equivalent to gods, no criticism can be heard against them. Dysfunctional families are created right from the inception of a marriage.What happens when two individuals who are not emotionally or psychological fit get married? What happens people carrying excessive emotional baggage get married? In India getting married at the right age is of paramount importance, no one looks whether an individual is emotionally capable of handling the challenges associated with a marriage. Indian men who grow up in such dysfunctional families face many challenges.They are denied and deprived of love and affection from the very people who bought them in this world.A small number of men are strong enough to take a decision of walking away from their dysfunctional families.

This moving away does not happen all of a sudden.Once these men enter their teenage years they get to see the world around them that seems to be normal, they meet families who are happy and supportive of their children.Some men are lucky as they get to move out of their homes and go to a new city for the purpose of their education.After the education is over, they take up jobs in metro cities. This  is where they experience true freedom.They finally have a life that seems normal.They meet people who come from normal families and gradually come to a realization of what is wrong in their own homes.

However many Indian men do not give up hope.They take up periodic visits to their homes under the false hopes that one day thing will get normal.This comes as a major disappointment for them.What scenario existed 20 years ago still remains the same:the same fights, the same outbursts and the same old family problem.It seems like nothing has changed in all these years.Additionally many men are seen as disappointments to their own parents. They are not in the profession or the organizations that was expected out of them (comparison with others), their salaries are not in range with what their cousins or neighbor's children are earning.They are still not married or are not getting married to the brides selected by their parents who will fetch them a good dowry.

It is the same old taunts, jibes and criticisms. Nothing had changed in the  past and nothing will change in the future.

When the men realize this, they come to a decision of not going back to their families.Every visit to their dysfunctional families brings distress and depression in their lives.One day you have to make a decision for yourself, your life and your future.So the men decide to stop meeting their dysfunctional families.Relations are maintained over the phone and internet, a glimpse into the other person's life is seen through social media.

People may question my thinking.How can someone leave his parents?Well, sometimes you need to distance yourself from negative and toxic people for your own god.You cannot move ahead in life if you don't shed your emotional baggage.Sometimes it is for a greater good that sane Indian men walk away from their dysfunctional families. The ones who stay back in false hopes and expectations are in for a grave disappointment.The truth is that till one does not take a radical step, a dysfunctional family will reproduce another dysfunctional family and the vicious cycle will keep on being repeated for generations to come.

My writings may have resonated with some Indian men who have had dysfunctional families.If you wish to share your stories in order to spread awareness, then please mail your write ups to me at sheth.bhaveen@gmail.com. Names and identities will be protected.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and I promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaeen Sheth

INDIAN MGTOW

I started respecting myself-BHAVEEN SHETH DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

Living alone all by yourself at times can have negative effects  on you. In the initial years of my life, I used to suffer from lack of self confidence and had low esteem. I used to be harsh upon myself.

It was also during such times when I used to approach women and their parents for marriage alliances. I just got turned down. My background was enough for them to reject me but somewhere down the line I feel that I approached people with low self confidence and low self esteem. During those years I even approached women who otherwise would find no takers. I remember feeling bad about it. Meeting toxic women is not something you wish , forget having a life time association with them.

But somewhere things changed. About five (5) years ago I eventually decided to give up on marriage and stopped looking for alliances. My profile does exist on a matrimonial sites but it is a blunt representation about myself. The message that I have conveyed to people in my profile is something like this "This is me, loud and clear. You want to accept it ,good otherwise go take a hike.

A lot has changed since I started respecting myself. One thing that I noticed was people around me started respecting me, my esteem and confidence went up. I realized that I am a man of my own making and don't need to justify myself in front of others. I stopped seeking validation from others.

At the age of 36, this is how I look:

I am happy and content with my own life. No longer do I look desperately  forward for a marriage. If someone is interested, they can approach me provided they talk to me decently otherwise I request them to go to hell. My writings on my blog have made me some sort of an inspiration or role model for many single Indian men who are trying to find a meaning in their life and wish to live single. I also write for the Indian  MGTOWs. I thank all my readers and admirers for appreciating me and reading my posts. Somewhere I have realized that I am a change maker and a facilitator in the lives of other people and I know that I can transform their lives for betterment.

My life is no longer dictated by that one single Institution of marriage. If someone respects me and accepts me for what I am, GOOD. I have my own life to life and many goals and dreams to fulfill. I am quite comfortable in my own skin.

To everyone reading this post, please learn to respect yourself, I know it is difficult and can take some years as we are bought up in a society where our own respect and sense of self being comes for the validation of others. But no matter what happens ,work on your self confidence and self esteem.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

INDIAN MGTOW

I told my friends, well wishers and colleagues to stop seeking any suitable matches for me. Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

I still don't understand why people get so sad when they hear that I am single and not married. For them it seems that an unmarried man is a sad lonely soul who needs some or the other form of companionship. Many advise that I should get married and settle down. They don't know my reality, do they? So I tell them who I really am and they get a shock of their life. Some feel sad and some get overtly  sympathetic. However they still feel that I should get married and I need a companion (as per them), hence they try to find a suitable match for me.

Over the years my friends and well wishers have tried but there has be no positive outcome. In a sort of a charged enthusiasm, my well wishers approach their contacts and spread the word about me. Sometimes they tend to forget what the opposite side is looking for. I appreciate their help and support but in life one needs to be grounded. Every normal family who wants to get their daughter married is looking for a stable man from a DECENT AND RESPECTABLE family.Now what happens when my profile gets shown to them? Majority will reject and a minority will take their chances. I get to feel like a commodity that is to be tried out by some reluctant customer. Over the years I have spoken and even met women and their parents referred by my friends and well wishers. Nothing worked out. The same story got repeated: The guy has no family, how do we trust him?

My friends and well wishers have also been criticized by the women's families whom they approached for me. They have been told that why did they refer me? Some have disclosed this to me, some have not. I know that they have faced embarrassment for referring my profile.

Eventually I have given up on marriage and have clearly told my friends, well wishers and colleagues to stop looking out for matrimonial alliances for me. It will save a lot of time and prevent trouble.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

INDIAN MGTOW

Brace yourself for a lonely life, there is no one coming for us: Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-INDIAN MGTOW

The single Indian male speaks on developing skills and abilities on living a single life as coping all alone as there is no one who is going to come for us.

My heading is very clear . We as the single Indian men who have decided to live alone all by ourselves will have to face challenges and problems all by ourselves, there is no one who will come for us, this is the world we live in.

In my own experience of being alone for so many years , I have realized that life is not easy. There have been many days when I have faced difficult times all by myself. No one was there to share my problems. But age and experience brings wisdom. Initially I used to think that one days someone will come in my life and I will share all my feelings with her, but that did not happen.Marriage never happened and I never found my soul mate. Indian society has shown me my true position and has clearly told me that its has no place for people like me.I have made a promise to myself that I will never depend on anyone for emotional support or solace.

Gradually I have developed my own support system. As single Indian men, we are going to face many difficult phases in out lives. My advice to all my single Indian male friends is to to behave rationally during such moments, never make an impulsive decision. Always look at the larger picture. Never loose focus on your dreams, goals and ambitions. Get creative with your life. Start reading, make meaningful relationships with other people, exercise every day.

There are many years ahead of us, follow the MGTOW philosophy. We have to become our own support system.Go ahead and face your problems all by yourself.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

INDIAN MGTOW