Maybe I am not just that kind of a guy

Writing the fourth series on living single in this post I state a major reason why I am still remain single. I am not that kind of a guy, you know the marriage material guy, the kind of a man who is deemed to be an eligible bachelor because he holds a good job and comes from a very good family.

Many people around me often wonder why I am still single. I am 34 years old, hold dual master's degree, a well paying job, have a pleasing personality and good communication skills. That means, I should be hitched right now!!Right!!! No!!! You are wrong. You see I am not just that kind of a guy.You know, the kind of guy who gets flooded with  matrimonial alliances. I am an orphan who lives in a rented accomodation.

I don't have any of those qualities or traits that are expected from eligible Indian bachelors as per the Indian family standards.I have no parents, no relatives and no proper family background. This does not make me "That kind of a guy."

A pragmatic person who does not live in a world filled with fantasy in not liked and accepted by the Indian society. I prefer a court marriage over a big fat Indian wedding, I prefer a simple life over an extravagant one.

Years of loneliness and isolation has led to the buildup of emotional barriers and fences.On the personal front it takes some time for me to open up to a woman.

I am not that kind of a guy who even has a family. You would never prefer to meet me during arranged matrimonial meets. You will not even meet me at any engagement and marriage ceremonies. After all who wants to invite single orphan men to social functions. Maybe I am not that kind of guy.

I am not that kind of a guy who is desperately seeking a bride. Many men of my age have gone insane with desperation. They can't live alone.

You will not consider me as a potential alliance for your daughter/sister.No one will empathize or sympathize for me. Indian society never pays attention to single silently brooding men. Mr.Darcy , the character of novel Pride and Prejudice can take a hike.

I am not that kind of a guy with whom you will dream of having that extravagant engagement ceremony, that wonderful sangeet event or that big fat Indian wedding. You don't like court marriage. Do you?

I am not that kind of guy whose family you look forward to meet. Orphans have no family. Just to remind you.

You see, I am the Hobson's choice, the devil's alternative, a man who will only be considered when a girl's family does not find any suitable person available for her.

But you see, I am a human being. I also used to be someone's child, once upon a time. Dignity and self respect are my important possessions.Life is not so bad for me that I have to be treated as the last alternative.

I am not that kind of a man who is able to meet the materialistic expectations of the Indian society. This is just not my case, there are many single men like me who are orphans or have left their dysfunctional families forever. This is the reality of many single Indian men of our kind. If you are reading this blog post you will understand.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singing off and will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

Dear Sir/Madam:Nothing is wrong with me. I am an orphan and that is the reason why I am still single

Continuing the third part of this series, I write an open letter to the honorable men and women of my society and country when they ask me why a well educated man having a decent job, drawing a good salary and having a good personality is still single. They feel that something is wrong with me not knowing the fact that I am an orphan, all by myself having no family. In this post I speak to them in person explaining them my own situation. 

Dear Sir/Madam,

Hope you are doing good. I happen to come across men and women like you who keep on questioning my single status. You ask me why I am still not married? So here I state the obvious reaosns.

Yes, I am an orphan with no parents or relatives. I have no one who can vouch for me. This makes me an automatic reject on the matrimonial front.No one will prefer an orphan as a potential husband or son-in-law. You see, our society follows doubles standards. It states something does exactly the opposite.

I have heard many statements from men and women of your kind.After meeting me when you come to know that I am still single, you say "Such a nice person, so educated having a decent job, earning a good salary and still he is single and still unmarried."I wonder what is wrong with him?"

Sir/Madam, you pity my condition,you give me all kind of advices on getting married and lecture me on the advantages of getting married.Sir/Madam, would you recommend your daughter/sister/near relative to get married to me?I think not.You see, giving unsolicited advice is very easy but following it is difficult.

And you feel that I have extremely high expectations from a future spouse. What do you mean by high expectations? Is it wrong if I expect  my wife to cook for me? Is it wrong if I expect her to adjust with what I earn and what I can provide her. This is a normal expectation that unanimously all Indian men will vouch for.There is nothing wrong in it.

And yes, do I hear that you called me paranoid and said that I have a negative outlook towards the institution of marriage. What is your take in all those feminist, anti-male, gynocentric misandrist laws existing within the judicial system of this country. Being all by myself am I not vulnerable?Aren't there enough femme fa tale's out there who want to rob men of their hard earned money by getting married to them. Just one complaint by her and I risk loosing my hard earned money, not to forget my job and reputation.

People marry in order to make their lives better , not worse.I have seen men struggle within a dysfunctional marriage.Yes sir/madam, I have seen a lot What is the point of getting married if you can't be happy.

In my previous blog post, I have written that I got potential matrimonial alliances from the dejected and rejected women, women who did not find any takers, women whom no normal person wanted to marry.I hope you can understand what kind of women I am talking about. People think that just because I am an orphan, I have no choice but to settle down with such leftover women.

But you see, my honour, dignity and self respect are still intact with me.Years of loneliness has taught me to become self dependent or self reliant.I agree that I need a life partner, but I am not that desperate to settle down  with anyone whom I come across.

I am a traveler, I am a seeker and in this journey of life you may never know what can happen in the near future.

As of now I am content with what I have. So it is my sincere request that you don't have be be concerned for me.In India no one care for orphans, so why do you even bother. I can take for care of myself.

Concluding my blogpost, I hope I have given a befitting answer to your question.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off and promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI !!!!!

Thirty four, single and still not married. I am writing a ten part series on living a single life, regrets and remorse associated with not being married, on how I was ill treated when when I went ahead to find a suitable wife, on broken dreams of marriage, on dying everyday due to lack of human love and affection, on a life with with a void that cannot be filled.

In the first part, I, Bhaveen Sheth, the writer of this blog writes this post on how no one asks for men of my kind, how we live an invisible existence within the society.

HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI!!!

HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI, literally translates into nobody asks for people of our type.

I make this statement many times when curious and inquisitive people inquire on my single status and why I am still not married.For a person who is an orphan and for men who have left their dysfunctional families for good, getting married is a difficult task. Forget marriage, even acceptance in the society is not there.No one wants us. Some people say that I am negative, but that is not the case because I am stating the reality. Without a proper family no one considers you eligible for marriage. If you are unmarried after a certain age, you cannot be part of the Indian society, no one will invite you to any social function or family gathering. You become a social pariah.One has to live with loneliness and isolation.In difficult times you are all by yourself.There is no one with whom you can share your problems and there is no one to understand you.

A few years ago, I stopped taking any interest in getting married. Marriage is for people who have families. No one wants people of my kind. In this so called market of matrimony we don't stand a chance.

Today I live a life that is satisfying, keep to myself and enjoy my life. However people are not please to see me live a happy single life.They often ask me why I am still single? Why I never got married or am still not actively searching for a matrimonial alliance?

To all of them , I have one common answer: HUM JAISO KO KAUN PUCHTA HAI !!!!!

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off, will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

If you want to live within the society , you must follow the rules

Society? Rules? What the hell? A month ago before my 34th birthday a well wisher told me that I must celebrate my birthday with other people by giving a small party.After all I had to live within the society. I just wished he had known about me, I wish he would have know that I have no family background. People like me are never included within the society. Why the should I do things in order to please the people of the Indian society.My birthday is my concern. How I should celebrate it is my wish.I always celebrate my birthdays solo.

Where was this so called Indian society when I wanted to get married? No one was willing to accept me. Single Indian men without a proper family are treated as outcasts. Hence I don't need to follow the rules of the Indian society in order to make others happy. I love to live the way I am living and I have no regrets about it.

This is Bhaveen Sheth sigining off and I promise to be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

And one day I just packed my bags and left my dysfunctional family for good

My dear friends,

Hope you are doing good. A few weeks ago, I received a mail from one of my readers who wrote to me about his own story where he left is dysfunctional family for good. I am sharing his story below:

Dear Bhaveen,

I have been reading your blog posts regularly and admire you because you write on topics related to single Indian men, orphans and people belonging to dysfunctional families.

Here I am sharing my story. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, my childhood and teenage years were filled with family fights, squabbles and arguments. My folks were rigid and orthodox.They had become prisoners withing their own dysfunctional world. Fortunately things turned out better for me when I moved out to another city in order to pursue my graduation and post graduation. Truly speaking, I was shocked to see a different world altogether. I could not comprehend the fact there were normal people living a happy life.I had grown up in an environment filled with excessive pessimism and toxicity. My family members just wanted to confirm to their old patriarchal values and customs that had been passed down for generations. When I came home during my college vacations, the environment would depress me. Eventually I made some excuses and stopped visiting home.

After completing my post graduation I shifted back to my home city as I had got the placement of my preference.I loved my job, work environment and salary. However the situation never improved within my family. I was fed up.I started applying for jobs in different cities. Fortunately the HR department of my organization became my savior and considered my request to be transferred to another city.

My family was not happy with my decision.They accused me for being irresponsible. I did not care.I relocated to another city. For the first time in my life I experienced peace and solitude.Along with my job, I started pursuing creative activities like reading and writing. I made new friends to whom I got very close to.After spending a year in a new city I went home. Nothing had changed. The environment had become more toxic.I just couldn't stay for another day in my own house. So, I gathered my stuff, packed my bags , took what I wanted to take and left home. I did not say my goodbyes and just sneaked out of my house in the middle for night.I never looked back and my folks never bothered to call me. The were always bust in their decade old problems.

It has now been many years since I left my home for good and believe me I have no regrets. There has been a dramatic change in my personality. Dysfunctional families can take a huge toll on your emotional well being.

However life for me has not been easy.I still remain unmarried. Matrimonial alliances are hard to come by because the institution marriage requires that you have a family. But I don't mind . In life you can't have everything.

Bhaveen, we become what our families are. Dysfunctional and toxic families make you cynical, narrow minded and toxic.It is only after leaving such a family does one realize how different the world is. If a man needs to move ahead and develop himself, he will have to leave his dysfunctional family once and for all.

Regards,

 XXXXYYYYZZZZ

I salute this writer for his courage to take such a bold step. Dysfunctional family is a problem that has never been discussed and yet these kind of families are a common sight within our society. No one wants to acknowledge and deal with this problem.

This is Bhaveen Sheth singning off and will be back with a lot more.

Bhaveen Sheth

BHAVEEN SHETH-DOTSIM- Single-hood is empowerment

Bhaveen Sheth -The writer of this blog discusses on the empowerment that comes with single-hood. Many Indian men who are currently living a solo life should feel happy and make the best use of their time. There is no greater happiness in India than solo living. In spite of many Indian men happily living a single life, Indian society finds it difficult to accept their status.Single-hood brings freedom, empowerment, liberation and a path to discover ourselves. 

Men's empowerment never features anywhere in the media. It is never discussed over any television debates.What makes Indian men empowered? Is it our education, job, salary, benefits, marriage? The answer is no. Materialistic things bring temporary satisfaction, not empowerment.

There is no happiness than being yourself. Admit it!! Do we Indian men live our lives? Are we able to find out who we are and what we want? Do we even have choices? NO! We are supposed to live are per the defined patriarchal norms of the society. During our childhoods we have to live as per the expectations of our parents and later as per the expectations of our spouses.

Singlehood in India has always been vilified. The general mentality is that if you are single beyond 30, there something definitely wrong with you. That is far from the truth.

Singlehood brings its own set of responsibilities. As you are on your own, you have to do your own chores. There are a different set of skills that you learn in order to survive and thrive. You have to buy your own grocery, clean your house, cook your own food, wash dishes, make your bed and a lot more. You are responsible for your own life so you take good care of yourself. 

Empowerment comes when you are not dependent on anyone for your physical or emotional needs. It makes you independent and self reliant. You become your own best friend. There are no criticisms or taunts coming from a spouse/partner.

Here, I am not advocating that every Indian man should life a single life. All I am saying is if any of you readers are single because of unresolved problems, separated/divorced or widowed, then please stop brooding on your present status. There are bad phases in everyone's life. Don't get disheartened. Pull up yourself and get along with your lives. Celebrate single hood.

Eventually Indian men get married. Because unlike our educated sophisticated urban Indian women, we men don't have sky high expectations. But till you get hitched , enjoy your bachelor life and make the best of it. Trust me , you will develop a lot of self confidence. Just work on yourself and become a better person. This is real empowerment.

This is Bhaveen Sheth signing off for the day and promise to be back with a lot more.

BHAVEEN SHETH

Bhaveen Sheth-DOTSIM-What has become of the Indian Man?

In this blogpost, I , Bhaveen Sheth, the Single Indian  male would like to put my grievance on what has become of the Indian man. This applies to men across this country and those working abroad.I write on the growing frustration of Indian men.

So what has become of the Indian man?What are we? Who are we? Do we have our own identity? No!! I don't think so.

From childhood our gender has been used by our patriarchal grandparents and parents to look down upon other people within the extended family and neighbourhood. We are nothing but flag bearers of the family name.

Our mothers have used us as a reference point for comparing with children of other women.Our childhood is of no concern to anyone. Marks and accomplishments is all that matters.

Since our birth we were taught to hate the opposite gender. We have been brainwashed in dominating women. Girls and women have been portrayed as our enemies.

As we grow, we are forced to participate in rituals we hate and social functions we don't want to attend.

We are compared.skin colour, height, looks, academic achievements and what not. People forget that we are human beings and children.

Teen years bring a lot of hormonal changes within us and we desire for female companionship.But in the Indian society, dating comes with its own terms and conditions. Those who are average Joes don't stand a chance to date a girl.

And do we even stand to choose the career of our choice? NO!! We are intimidated into taking up traditional and safe career choices. Why? Well, because we have to continue the family's professional legacy of being a doctor , engineer, business graduate or we have to follow the herd mentality or may be we have to fulfil the unfilled dreams and desires of our parents and grandparents.

We are not allowed to think, act, behave and live the way we want.Our careers choice are compared with others.

In our 20's . jobs , salaries and compensation benefits become another reference point. You are supposed to work in a renowned organization, draw a hefty six figure salary and get the best of all benefits.And what happens when you don't meet the above criteria? You get labelled as a wasted good for nothing looser.Society does not respect unconventional careers choices;it detests people who who do the same.

We are not settled properly in our careers and the talk of marriage comes up. No one understands that we need minimum 3 to 5 years to settle down in your careers.

You can't marry the girl of your choice, if you do, it once again comes with its own terms and conditions.Parents will go around hunting the beautiful houries around town who fit into their criteria. Marriage is nothing but a win win trade off situation wherein the salary of the groom and the beauty of the bride is matched and holy matrimony is solemnized.

Post marriage it is our wives who use us a reference point for comparing with husbands of other women.We are forced to buy a car we don't need and a house (minimum 2 BHK) we don't want.Courtesy: Our wives and in-laws.

In case of marital discord, we face legal terrorism. There are more that 15 anti male , female biased marital laws present in the judicial system of this country. We are slapped with worst charges.

Only and ignorant fool will say that marriage is a bliss for a man in India.We are overburdened with unwanted responsibilities and sky high expectations.Sex becomes a manipulative tool that wives use against their husbands.Many husbands are not served breakfast or lunch when they leave for work. You can see these husbands eating all forms of junk food on different food stalls lined up outside their corporate offices.

Emotional and verbal abuses have become part of our lives.First at the hands of our parents and relatives and later at the hands of our wives. Loneliness in spite of being married is now becoming a normal thing amongst married men.

This is what has become of the Indian man. This is what our society has moulded us into. We are the family torch bearers, the Rams and Shravans fulfilling the expectations of other people, tag along  FRIEND for women, unpaid bodyguards, disposable ATMs, provides, protectors, norm followers, keepers of compliances, alimony providers, sperm donors, solace for the dejected and the rejected women, timely payers of EMI's and home loans.

This is what has become of the Indian man.

Bhaveen Sheth signs off and promises to write a lot more

BHAVEEN SHETH